Precariously Sleeping

In the early mornings, I creep down the hallway. Jaelyn wakes so easily. The floor creaks so much. I am not just being selfish - she does need more sleep. She does not naturally take as much sleep as she needs. But I am being selfish too. I wake long before dawn because this is the only time I can write and read and think and stretch the inside of my head in the ways that she stretches her arms and legs as she wakes up (shhh! don't wake up yet! it's still too early) - slowly, languorous, patiently and temporarily indolent.

But when I pass her door, I can't help myself from looking in. Just between the crack of the door and the door fram at its odd almost closed angle I can see her. She is sleeping still with her knees in the air. Her legs are bent at 45 degree angles and the blue backed quilt sewed by her great great aunt fifty years before has slipped off of her bare legs.

I have to move to see her face from the same angle. The crack is small. The creak in the floor catches my movement.

I cannot see her face. I peer and I peer. It's completely submerged beneath the quilt.

I know she likes this. She likes to sleep with her head beneath the quilt. But I cannot bear it. When I look at her sleeping this way, I start to suffocate. and with her legs and feet exposed to the cool morning chill that the attic fan has pulled up and through the house, but her face all buried beneath the quilt? I cannot stand it.

But I know if I go in. If I pull it off. The morning will probably be over for me. I'll be pulled back from the endless reading and writing, the selfish mental abstract stretch that makes me so full and happy. It'll all be over. And I'm sure she'll be fine with those covers over her face. I'm sure there are air pockets and plent of places for the air to go in because physiologically her body would not let her sleep through her suffocation right? She would jerk awake if she could not get air. If it become uncomfortable, maybe her dream would help. A small yellow bird, the one we saw in the mountain ash tree yesterday, it would fly by her face, and in her dream she would reach for it, and in this other world, her arm would languidly move the covers from her face and she would be fine.

I tell myself, peering through the crack. She would be fine.

But I cannot help myself. I go in. I move the blanket. I cover her feet I tuck the quilt beneath her chin.

Sleep and sleep. I whisper.

Sleep and sleep.

She shifts, stirs, shifts again. Her leg splayed in new strange directions, but those huge beautiful eyes do not open. She sleeps. And here I sit pushing the heightened beautiful moments of experience, danger and precarious sleep into my indolent, languorously comfortable stretch of words....

Why I'm lucky to be a mom

'Nuff said.

Where the Spirt works....

Last week in Bible study we were asked to share how we thought the Spirit was working in our lives to bring about love, peace, joy...you know the list. These questions always unnerve me because I always feel inadequate. I normally don't have many victories to share, and I am pretty critical of finding the aforementioned 'fruit' in my life. Lately, I've struggled with trying to have the emotional fortitude to deal with the density of brokeness that I see every day at Timken, and then be the mom, wife, and friend that I want to be.

At that Bible study, my husband and dear friend were very encouraging, and their words have made me view my job in a slightly different light. These students matter, and I'm thankful for the opportunity to view their lives from the inside. The Spirit can teach me through them.

When I was (fleetingly, yet earnestly) proud of America

Lately, I don't ever feel proud to be American. I feel privileged, but usually sad at the greed, materialism, violence, and fear that seems to motivate our way of life. What country is better off with those exports we attempt to send around the world?

While I was in Chicago at a conference, I was swept up into the immigrant march on the 'Day without Immigrants'. It was FANTASTIC! (Ok, I wasn't exactly swept up. I was supposed to be going to another conference session, when a group of immigrants walked by on their way to the march, and I decided to bag the conference and go observe the march instead...) There were about 300,000 people marching that day. There was no violence, and I didn't see anyone getting arrested for showing his/her viewpoint. That made me proud....until I thought of our government's response to the immigration problem in our country. Every moment is fleeting and the next set of emotions is for another time...

Sugoyn Boyng

Addison is the last person in the family to understand the ways that letters work togeher to form actual words. He understands the concept -- the process is still a mystery, though.

These day's he's using spelling very liberally to explain what he wants.

"Daddy! I want S-U-G-O-Y-N!"

"You want sugoyn?"

"B-O-G-Y-N!"

"You want Sugoyn Boyng?"

"I want waffles!!!"

Settling into Spring Soccer

On Saturday we returned to these now-familiar, still-quite-strange roles that we have as Soccer-Parents.

I'm not exagerating when I tell you that there were a thousand thirty-something parents and it seemed like just as many minivans and SUVs swarming about this bright green utopia we call Youth Soccer.

We found fresh eyes in the fom of our friend Linda who was a novitiate. "I was seeing all of these parents carrying these long vinyl bags in the parking lot and I thought - are those tents? What do they all have? Then I get over here and everybody's setting up on the sidelines...why didn't anybody tell me that we all were bringing matching canvas fold up chairs. And nobody told me that we had to have seperate water bottles for every member of the family!"

Sorry, Linda. You won't believe how quickly this world becomes imperceptible second nature....

The first game was a brutal defeat, but we have hope and we'll be ready to shout it from the sidelines again next week -- if our vocal chords heal from this week...

Meditations on Spring

by an (of neccessity) early early morning runner:

"Sometimes when I see people running outside in the sunshine? I'm so jealous that I just want to hit them with my car."

- Lynn

Happy Birthday!

On Friday we celebrated Jaelyn's seventh birthday. I have this tradition of keeping a few pictures from every year in a file and then adding new photos and new songs to the slideshow for a birthday slideshow.




It's actually an evolution of a similiar production that I made for brother David back when he was 8?, 9? His slideshow included multiple songs, narration, and a slideshow panorama of his life -- all using a slide-projector and cassette tape.
With Jaelyn's I click and drag a few pictures and a few songs into a file and press play. How bout them computers!



But I digress. My point was that this year I was particularly struck by how much continuity there is to my daughter's expressions, emotions and personality -- just as seen through the pictures.




She is irrepressible, compassionate, creative. She has always loved stories and history and animals and laughing.





The 18+ hours that her birth mother was in labor -- I was fasting. When she was born, I broke fast with macaroni and cheese, it must have been the best option available in our little grad-school-impoverished kitchen. So today is a feast day in the middle of lent, and I'm happy to extend my celebration of Jaelyn's presence in my life at lunch with some leftover Macaroni from her birthday dinner last night -- her meal of choice. Happy Birthday Jaelyn!

THANK YOU!

My whole Michigan family chipped in on my birthday to get me something I've been wanting for a long time --



A BICYCLE!

There's this Old Testament Professor who lived through WW2 and rides his bike to Malone, seven miles, every day. Rain or shine or snow or sun. He just retired, and I'm determined to become the next slightly odd bike riding professor.

I've pretty much got the slightly odd down, I was just waiting for the bike.

And actually...


















THIS is the bike you got me! Thanks!

MAYbe

The good news -- Addison has emerged from his "Really, REALLY?" phase.

We've always admired his lawyer-like skills of critical inquiry and argumentation. A five year old who tends to front half of his sounds, and yet doesn't hesitate to lodge all kinds of objections, redirect almost any question and badger any witness is an endless source of amusement (and, admittedly, occassional frustration).

So he's been in this phase recently where he questioned the veracity of most claims that extended beyond his prior view of the universe. (This has possibly been exacerbated by a father who is given to exageration and hypberbole, I'll admit.)

PERSON A MENTIONS NEW FACT.

Addison: Really?

PERSON A: mmm-hmm.

Addison: Really REALLY!?

PERSON A: Yes. Really.

Addison: Really, really, REALLY!!??

You can see how this spirit of skepticism could become, well, annoying. When applied as often and as tenaciously as he was, it was downright troubling.

So the good news is that the Really Really phase seems to be over.

The bad news? A subtle relativism seems to have taken its place.

Suddenly Addison doesn't make any claim, about knowledge, memory or fact without adding at the end...(sometimes two seconds later):

"Maybe."

or

"I FINK."

or

"but...MAYbe."

He'll explain a dream, or something that happened at school or how fast he just ran or what he thought you just said, but then, after recounting it all at great length, he'll pause:

"....I fink."

And if you don't nod and acknowledge his newfound ability to recognize the probabilistic nature of human claims (a nod or "yeah, i think so too" will do)...then he says it again:

"Dad? I FINK!!!"

Suddenly the world is plunged into a kind of flux that I thought was reserved for the emerging relativism that we see in second-semester college students. Only worse.

"Addison, did you put your socks on?"

"Yes..."

My glance confirms the truth of the statement. His socks are, indeed, on.

"...but, MAYbe."

"No, Addison, look your socks are on. You can make SOME statements of fact without qualifying them. Do you understand that its okay to say, 'yes, my socks are on'?"

"Yes..."

he says...

"...I fink."

AHHHH!

"Addison, everything in the whole entire world, everywhere including everything can't be followed by an 'I think.' or a 'maybe' can it?!"

Silence for a moment. I decide that he's considering this claim, or just ready to move on to a new topic. He's only five after all.

"...maybe."

I glance over, his impish grin betrays him. He knows what he's doing.

I can't believe that I'm on THIS side of this argument...

cross post from ++inbetween++

2005 Update

Thanks for taking time to catch up with the Rudds! We are really sorry we couldn't have one-on-one conversation with all of you....over hot drinks...beside a warm fireplace...with fresh-from-the-oven chocolate chip cookies....

In the spirit of blogging, we decided to go with the list format instead of the verbose narrative... Hope this helps sketch the year for you.

Favorite Book
Lynn: Kite Runner
Andrew:Fundamentalism and American Culture
Jaelyn: Leo the Lightening Bug
Addison: David books & Arthur books

Josh Elek & Jaelyn revelling at our fav Ice Cream - ROS!

Favorite Movie
Lynn: Bride and Prejudice
Andrew: Top 5? Eternal Sunshine of the Spotless Mind; Me, You & Everyone We Know; The Bicycle Thief; 8 1/2; The Return (sorry!)
Jaelyn: The Lion, the Witch, and the Wardrobe (old version)
Addison: The Incredibles

Favorite Smell
Lynn: sunscreen
Andrew: pumpkin spice candles or garlic lingering on my fingers
Jaelyn: lilacs
Addison: cookies

Mary & Lynn celebrating Passover in Alabama

Favorite Food
Lynn: homemade granola (The Leon family recipe)
Andrew: chicken stock (I made about 20 gallons this year)
Jaelyn: macaroni and cheese & hot dogs
Addison: mom's cookies

Favorite Place to Walk
Lynn: on the beach
Andrew: Downtown in ______ Urban Center (this year: Chicago, Boston, Nashville, Grand Rapids, Pittsburgh)
Jaelyn: to the cemetery
Addison: in my backyard, to my swings

Addison contemplates the meaning of Life...and Ice Cream

Favorite Activities to do in any Spare Minute
Lynn: go running
Andrew: writing screenplays & blogs
Jaelyn: cuddling with my mommy, swimming
Addison: cooking, playing video games

Favorite Music
Lynn: Drunkard's Prayer (Over the Rhine)
Andrew: Sufjan Stevens
Jaelyn: "El Rincon" music (any Latino music)
Addison: Sound of Settling (Death Cab for Cutie)

When Dads get the haircuts their kids request.

Favorite Web Obsessions
Lynn: AliasMedia
Andrew:One Pot Meal
Jaelyn: Read It To Me
Addison: Boowa and Kwala

Favorite New Corner of the Globe
Lynn: San Antonio's Riverwalk
Andrew: The Village Idiom (bookstore in Hessel, MI)
Jaelyn: the beach in MI
Addison: both Grandma's and Grandpa's


Favorite Date Night Activity
Lynn: eating and talking at Angelo's or Pataya
Andrew: yeah. eating and talking at Angelos or Pataya or Gateway to India -- and walks around the park afterward -- laughing. I like it when we laugh together.
Jaelyn: playing with John Shell (favorite babysitter)
Addison: John Shell


Favorite Family Additions

Nephews Will & Isaac

What do you call a roommate's baby?

About four years ago, Andy and I invited one of our favorite students to live with us. For reasons yet to be completely understood, he was staying in Canton with friends who really didn't have room for him, so he was ultimately living out of his car. We decided our basement was a fairly decent step up from that.

Addison had just turned one and Jaelyn was just two when Erik moved in. It didn't take long for them to fall in love with him. We have a picture from the first night he was here for dinner and they are both cuddling on his lap, listening to a book he was reading. Erik didn't pay rent; however, he 'paid' us by babysitting our kids. He still remembers giving Addison his bottle before putting him to bed.



There are so many memories of having Erik live here. He was with us for a year and a half. Many of his friends came through and we would all sit around and talk about theory and thoughts. Andy and Erik picked up the guitar while he lived here, so there was a time when guitar chords were always heard. There were so many great conversations late into the night when all of us should have been sleeping; it was a great time.

One night the conversation centered on Laura Miller, the girl who had a pretty firm hold on Erik's heart. That hold eventually turned mutual and then we got to share their engagement and wedding. Jaelyn was their beautiful flowergirl (if I do say so myself), and Andy gave the homily at their wedding.



Today, Erik called to tell us that their daughter had entered the world. Beautiful, healthy, Allison Noel. Laura is doing great too. I'm not sure where to put my happy feelings for them. I feel so connected because of sharing our lives with Erik for so long. But, what exactly is this relationship? Roommate-once-removed? Second generation roommate? I'm not sure, but I'm really happy for them, and I feel really blessed that they continue to connect with us.

Welcome Allison!

Addison turns five...

Addison wanted a 'Superhero' party for his fifth birthday. Andy and I wanted to honor that desire without having an evening filled with small boys running crazily around the room like "Dash" and others pinning us against the wall with their spider webs. So......creative Dad to the rescue!

Andy created a myth....i.e. background story.... to how Addison got special super powers and how he chose three special boys to share his powers with--thus creating the "A-Team". Their super powers were the common superprowesses of flying and magical breath that could free victims who had been frozen by "Mean Man".

Andy created the above costumes himself. The boys thought they were the best! Addison's friend Luke had this to say, "Andrew, could we use these costumes for Halloween?"





Every superhero team needs a logo. This amazing logo, which actually captures the physical characteristics of the A-Team, was created by Aaron, a student at Malone whom Addison adores. (In case you're questioning our math. The original A-team did have five members; however, one member was not able to attend the party as planned.)



This is the extremely evil villain -- Mean Man.... Sexy, too, isn't he?




Mean Man was finally captured and subdued by the A-team flying in circles around him together as a team. Notice, the villian is captured without violence! A pacifist superhero....I wonder if a Disney franchise is in the cards?




The A-team has to get their super-energy somewhere. (I will tell you their other identities, just don't let Lois Lane know.....left to right--Luke, Addison, Noah, Phillip)

It was a fantastic night; Addison wore his costume, including his mask, throughout the entire next day. He actually turns 5 on Dec. 11. He loves superheros, his daddy's stories, playing with his sister, playing with any computer game, and writing/coloring. We feel really lucky!

Christmas Tree Day

Jaelyn with Michael and Kara



We finally find the perfect tree.



We sawed the tree ourselves -- counting the rings we decided that the tree was 13 years old.



I've got lumberjack in my blood. I carried our tree over my head. The other trees travelled by sleds and teams off carriers.



Finally -- a finished tree!

Thanksgiving Memories

Pictures are so bright and believable, that sometimes, I think they steal our memories from us...

So I'll try to weave some of my own memories with the pictures of the weekend.



We drove North through a gentle blizzard. Only one long traffic jam just an hour from home. The whole trip was 9 hours.



We played endless rounds of Take Two -- the scrabble-on-steroids game that I learned in Australia. I, the former champion, came in deadlast. I'm not sure what that's indicative of.



We played two hours of MAFIA -- the older cousins played with wilder and wilder abandon in the adjoining living room -- fully aware that the adults had somehow lost track of them and their bedtimes.



We told ghost stories and took Myers Briggs Tempermant Analysis tests on Friday night.



We went to see _Pride & Prejudice_ on Saturday afternoon. Everyone liked it to varying degrees. Ryan was the firm dissenter -- with a somewhat valid analysis that fully half of the movie had been shots of Mirrors and Long-Shots-of-Walking-Through-Fields. It was cinematic! I argued. Watch this! he countered, and slowly pretended to walk through a pretend field. Look at me! I'm cinematic! I'm artsy! I'm full of longing and despair and breadth of spirit!



Okay, perhaps I embellished Ryan's protests a little bit there.



Will and Isaac were talking and bouncing and increasingly disinterested in their bottles. Grabbing and shoving anything into the mouth that could construed to be solid food.



We listened to some Blues Music and checked out gingerbread houses with the Livermores at the Festival of Trees.



People laughed. People cried. People argued. People agreed. People told stories. People made plans.



It was a good weekend.